Here's Your Change And Go Fuck Yourself

I work at a fucking gas station. Now, hold on. Don't you go and immediately label me as trash because of it, because I assure you I am not a failure. Here's the story:

I worked with the city at a daycare last year. I was employed caring for the kids after school, not during summer break, so once the school year ended, my job ended. I needed a job so I could keep throwing money into the college fund and just have money for Danzig CDs and cheeseburgers. My Mom knew a guy who owned a few gas stations, she hooked me up, and I got a job. This job is, for me, just the job I have while I'm in college and all that shit. I was in full-time university for the first semester before I realized what a fucking waste of time it was, then decided to drop out and go to college. Applied too late, didn't get in for the winter semester, so now I'm about a week into my online summer college course. I spent that free semester working forty hours a week because I had nothing better to do with my life. Now I'm in school and hoping to work with crackheads someday and help them not be crackheads. So no, I'm not a failure. This is just me working a minimum wage job while I'm in school, just like most of the other millions of college kids in the world. You wouldn't look down on me if I was working the register at a grocery store, so don't fucking look down on me cause I'm working the register at a gas station. You gotta be tough as fucking nails to handle this kinda work.

All my shifts are eight hours on my feet in steel-toe boots, dealing with the most incompetent fucking shitlords that my city has to offer. I serve junkies, hookers, street kids, creepy older men, people who can barely speak fucking English, drunk idiots, rude assholes... The whole nine yards. I love a lot of them, but some of them can go straight to hell.

The thing I hate most is when they try to crack jokes with me. The jokes are never ever ever funny and I've heard them eight million times. Now, most cashiers are a bunch of fucking pussies, and they'll tolerate this shit. They'll smile, fake a laugh, move on. Hell no. At a gas station, I don't need to be nice to you. I won't get fired if I make you uncomfortable by not tolerating your shitty joke. When you come up to me with a shitty joke, I shut it the fuck down.

Customer (in the middle of a rain storm): Lovely weather out there.
Me: That's subjective. Any gas today?

(Item does not scan)
Customer: Ha ha ha it must be free then!
Me: No. It's not.

(I check a bill to ensure it is not counterfeit.)
Customer: Ha ha ha just printed it this morning!
Me: (deep sigh) I check every single bill that enters this store because we're on the edge of the worst neighborhood in the city and I HAVE had people attempt to pass off counterfeits here. I do not discriminate I check every single bill and most people who have counterfeits do not realize it here's your change have a lovely day goodbye.

Some of them are completely fucking incompetent. One of my favorite stories is Car Wash Guy, as I call him. He comes in. A doddering elderly man whose appearance just screams to me that this will not be a fun transaction. He comes up to the cash.

"I'd like to buy a car wash."
"Sure thing! Which type of wash would you like?"
"A car wash."
I thought for a moment that perhaps he'd misheard me. "Which type of car wash are you interested in?"
"A car wash."
Eye twitch. "The different washes are listed right here, sir." I point at the sign right in front of me.
"A car wash."
"How about the top of the line wash?" I am encouraged to sell as many of these as possible, so this is my go-to suggestion.
"Uhh... sure."
"Alrighty, your total is X, just insert your card."
"Uhhh...."
"Right here." Point.
"Oh! Okay."
He inserts the card incorrectly and an error slip prints out. I hand him the slip. "That didn't go through, just a machine error, try that again."
He fucks it up again and another slip prints out. "That did not go through, just try that again." I say as I hand him the second slip.
He grabs both slips and walks out. I'm a little surprised, but figured that maybe he'd taken the wrong card and was embarrassed.
He came back in about a half hour later.
"Excuse me miss, sorry to bother you... But neither of these slips worked at the car wash." He says, and places his error slips on the counter.

I am blown away by human stupidity on a daily basis.

The Greatest Alvin And The Chipmunks Joke Ever

Simon is doing an interview with the press in Australia. One reporter asks, "Simon, do you think of yourself as a sex symbol?"
Simon laughs nervously. "Not unless you think glasses are sexy."
A woman in the crowd yells out, "Actually, I think glasses are VERY attractive."
"Well, in that case..." Simon pulls out a second pair of glasses from his pocket, and puts them on over top of the pair he is currently wearing.

Greatest fucking joke I've ever seen.

Discrimination On The Basis Of Fuck You

You're all a bunch of fucking sissy idiots, you know that? God DAMMIT this pisses me off! Ya'll are just a whole lot of Starbucks-drinking iPhone-owning tumblr-having-ass-motherfuckers! STOP BEING SO FUCKING STUPID!

Stop accepting everyone the way they are. NO. STOP IT. Sometimes it's okay to hate someone on the sole basis of them being a fucking moron. Fucking theriens and otherkin IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. IT'S ALL JUST A HEAP OF GRADE-A BULLSHIT. You're not a fucking animal in a human body. You're a goddamned piece of shit that's what you are. Some people aren't even animals. They're galaxies and the fucking sun and aaaaaarrrrrrrggghhhh I just wanna punch some fucking sense into them. Imagine how much time they waste sitting around thinking about being the fucking sun. WORTHLESS. They are fucking worthless. If you wanna be the sun so fucking badly light yourself on fire. I'll do it for ya.

And since when did it become such a bad thing to fit into a pre-existing little niche? Why can't you just be "straight" "gay" "bisexual" "lesbian" "asexual"? Pansexual? What the bleeding fuck is that even supposed to mean? Don't tell me, because I honestly don't give a fuck. If you're pansexual lemme know so I can tell you personally to GO FUCK YOURSELF! We got idiots on the Internet being all hoity-toity "oooh la la I'm ASEXUAL BUT DEMI-ROMANTIC-PANSEXUAL-WITH-A-SIDE-OF-FUCKWAD." Get out, just get the fuck out. Figure out what you wanna shove your dick into, then get back to me when you stop making words up for the sake of being the biggest asshole online. It's a race to the bottom with these pieces of shit, I swear.

Oh, and "asexual" isn't a real thing.

Go fuck yourself. 

Kids these days are lazy sacks of shit with nothing better to do with themselves but sit around on the Internet in their little chair and be a fucking moron online. But not me. My parents raised me right! I got raised getting spanked when I fucked up and learning to fear my parents and you know what happened? I don't ask my parents for fuckin' anything. If I want something I go out and work for it and save my money and then it's mine. Tough fuckin' love means your kids aren't a bunch of damned sissies.

Fuck all a' ya'll. Ya'll are sissies of the highest caliber. Bunch of whiny fucks who can't handle being told no and don't like working hard to earn something. Waste all their money on worthless garbage and stay up late and sleep all day. It's shameful. It's disgusting. Make something of your life. Buckle down and try hard and work hard and succeed and know how it feels to work hard and make it happen. Instead of some real valuable, hard-working individuals, we ended up with a bunch of idiots in floral pastels with bird tattoos and half-shaved heads slurping down mocha-latte-orange-caramel-go-fuck-yourself-cappuncino-vente-bullshit and smearing up their iPhone screens with tumblr open claiming to be "gender fluid demi-sexual aromantic pansexual" THAT DOESN'T MEAN FUCKING ANYTHING. GO TO HELL.

Oh, and this "polyamorous" garbage? Go fuck yourself. You only get one. I don't care what the fuck you wanna date, so long as it's human. You only get one. You don't get two girlfriends. You don't get two boyfriends. You don't get a boyfriend and a girlfriend. GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU ONLY GET ONE, ASSHOLE!

And while we're at it, stop getting stupid tattoos.

Later, haters.

Happy Birthday, Glenn Danzig!

HAPPY 57TH BIRTHDAY, GLENN DANZIG!

You still look so young and sexy!

I am so in love with you. You beautiful, beautiful man. You're pretty much the only person on earth who has never, ever pissed me off. You have that gorgeous smile that could light up the whole world. I hope you're smiling right now, Glenn Danzig.

I hope you got that birthday card I sent you on time!

Prom

What a load of absolute shit!

So the goddamn prom costs $165. That's a shitload of money. I'm pissed off about this. A lot of this money is going towards the after prom, wherein the stupid assholes go all the way to goddamn Quebec to go get drunk and make asses of themselves. All the way to Quebec.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TO QUEBEC?

Dumbasses. You drink here, anyway. Like you give a shit about legalities. Here's a great idea: Stay home and get drunk. That's a lot cheaper. That's all you want out of this stupid shit anyway.

They make us pay $20 for the commencement thing, too. What the fucking hell. $20 to walk across the stage in a dress and hat and hold a piece of paper. Eat my balls.

I sent Glenn Danzig a letter asking him to be my prom date but he didn't even reply. It's okay, Glenn. You got stuff going on. I forgive you. <3

So I don't have a job as of the 27th. Gonna spend the summer poor as fuck. Well, least I got friends and some nice shorts. Last summer was balls. I'm going to university in September. Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. Seems like it'll be a good time, I guess. Hopefully there'll be some scrumptious young men there.

I fucking can't wait until prom is over. I'm only going because I feel socially obligated. If I didn't have the most awesome prom dress in the entire history of the universe I would be selling my ticket. MY PROM DATE IS A GIRL AND I'M HETEROSEXUAL GODDAMMIT